Moe Bergeron

There are moments in pastoral care when the burden one person carries involves another who has not consented to share it. Perhaps a spouse confesses infidelity, a parent reveals abuse, or a friend discloses a pattern of manipulation. In these situations, the call to confidentiality collides with the call to justice. We cannot simply “cover the offense” if doing so enables further harm to an innocent person. The church must navigate this tension with wisdom, recognizing that true love sometimes requires breaking silence—not to expose, but to protect. The goal is not to satisfy curiosity or assign blame, but to create a path toward restoration that honors both the sinner and the victim.

Matthew 18:15–17

If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. 

 James 5:16

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.

The principle of confidentiality is not absolute when it comes into conflict with the protection of the vulnerable. Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 18 assumes a private sin between two parties, but it also provides a pathway for escalation when repentance is refused. James 5:16 calls for confession and prayer for healing, but healing cannot occur if one party continues to harm another. The church must distinguish between sins that are contained and sins that are ongoing threats. When a third party is involved, the question shifts from “How do we keep this secret?” to “How do we pursue restoration without enabling harm?” This requires discernment, courage, and sometimes the willingness to involve appropriate authorities.

Matthew 18:15 — If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you.
The first step in addressing sin is private confrontation. This protects the dignity of the offender and maximizes the chance of restoration. However, this assumes that the sin is contained and does not pose an ongoing threat to others. When the sin involves harm to a third party—such as abuse, fraud, or ongoing infidelity—the private sphere may no longer be sufficient. The confessor may need to be gently guided to understand that their sin has consequences beyond themselves. The leader must ask: “Is there someone else who needs to know for their own protection?” If the answer is yes, the circle of confidentiality must expand.

Matthew 18:16–17 — But if they will not listen, take one or two others along… tell it to the church.
Jesus provides a graduated escalation process. The expansion of the circle is not a failure of confidentiality but a necessary step when private restoration fails. This is especially relevant when a third party is at risk. If the person confessing is unwilling to make restitution or stop the harmful behavior, the burden can no longer be carried in silence. The “two or three witnesses” serve not only to establish truth but also to ensure accountability. In cases of abuse or criminal activity, this may extend to civil authorities. The church’s duty to protect the vulnerable supersedes its duty to keep secrets.

James 5:16 — Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
The goal of confession is healing—for the sinner, the victim, and the community. Healing cannot occur if the sin continues unchecked. When a third party is involved, the confession must include a commitment to make things right. This may mean apologizing to the victim, making restitution, or submitting to accountability structures. The leader must help the confessor understand that true repentance involves more than private sorrow; it involves public restoration where possible. If the confessor refuses this, the burden can no longer be treated as a private matter.

Practical Reflection

When a member shares a struggle involving a third party, the leader must ask several discerning questions: Is there ongoing harm? Is there a legal or moral obligation to report? Can the third party be protected without exposing unnecessary details? The answer to these questions will determine the appropriate response. In cases of abuse, addiction, or criminal activity, confidentiality must yield to protection. The leader should be prepared to say, “I care about you, but I also care about the person you are harming. We need to find a way to address this that protects everyone involved.” This may mean encouraging the member to confess to the victim, involving pastoral oversight, or contacting authorities. The goal is not to punish but to create a path toward genuine repentance and restoration. In this way, the church honors both the call to confidentiality and the call to justice, ensuring that no one is harmed in the name of “covering the offense.”